I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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