On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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