Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
