You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
