Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
