I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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