Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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