Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
we're chasing vodka with high fives
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
