i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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