you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
