Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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