If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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