I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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