Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Randomize
