I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
