Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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