I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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