Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just gift wrapped bread.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
