Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
