Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
