who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
