somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
