at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
