i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
