Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
