And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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