Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
