my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
