I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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