i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
