Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
they need to just BURY HIM!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
