just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
