Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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