mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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