So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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