Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
