Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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