maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
false alarm, still single
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