I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
