theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
