you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
