I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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