WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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