Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
