He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
