You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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