i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
