oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
