I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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