omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
