The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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