Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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