Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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